Fleeting Comfort
by RomanceGirlXXTsundereLuverxxX
Summary: Buffy S6/Angel S3. After a devastating resurrection, Buffy is contacted by Angel and both feel an intense desire to see each other again. Complying immediately, the two meet in a place between Sunnydale and Los Angeles. Following this, two undergo an emotional reunion with shocking revelations. Off-screen meeting. Full Summary Inside.


**Fleeting Comfort**

**Full Summary:** After a traumatic resurrection, Buffy struggles to redefine herself in a life that she never wanted to return to, as well as the guilt her friends' worry constantly create. Reeling from financial setbacks and being thrown in her own personal "hell", Buffy is contacted by her old love Angel, who was just told of her return to life. Feeling overwhelmed by her life and needing some sort of distraction, she gives in to their mutual desire to see each other and reunite in a place between Los Angeles and Sunnydale. Their reunion sparks a forlorn Buffy to open up about her resurrection and stripped peace, alarming Angel and putting their talk in an interesting direction ...

**Main Pairings:** Pretty heavy, intense B/A in this story. Lol, not much of a surprise I guess, huh? :D Not much of other pairings, besides some implied Spuffy, but it's pretty subtle given the time and place of the story. As always, if you don't like the pairings, don't read. I don't like complaints over couples in my reviews.

**Timeline:** Early Season Six of Buffy and Season Three of Angel crossover. Specifically taking place after Btvs episode **"Flooded" **and Atvs episode **"Carpe Noctem" **but before **"Life Serial" **and **"Fredless"**.

**Disclaimer:**** No ownage of the Buffyverse here. 'Cause if I did, you'd see that the off-screen B/A meeting would be _on_-screen, Fred never would've died, and Faith would've been a more regular character besides one Buffy season and a few crossovers 'cause I just _adore_ her.**

**A/N:** I was inspired to write this during my re-watch of the two shows, and I got _so_ tired of guessing what actually happened between Buffy and Angel during the off-screen post-Buffy resurrection that I just finally decided to write it and insert it in my head canon. ;) There's a lot of fanfics about this by other B/Aers, but none of them really satisfied me (no offense to the writers, I'm just picky) so viola! Cue this short two-chapter story. XD Damn Joss and the rivaling networks for not doing an episode out of it and making me improvise! -_-

Anyway, I hope you enjoy this as much as I did writing it. I put a lot of effort in it! :D

_**OOCness is a big no-no for any of my writings, so if you think you noticed some obvious examples, please point it out! :)**_

* * *

_Bleak Reflections_

~~Buffy~~

Buffy stood stiffly outside the café, rubbing her shoulders to warm herself up. Her light brown jacket seemed to offer little resistance to the cold, though she couldn't tell if it was just the faint tingle of anxiety she was suddenly beginning to feel again. The blonde surveyed the clearing, noting with some semblance of relief that it wasn't too crowded. Buffy just ... she just didn't do crowds. Hell, she didn't even do _people_ right now, if she was honest. And it was nice to be alone without her friends' (and Spike's ...) constant worry breathing down her neck. _It's almost unbearable being around them so much ... it's killing me more and more. _She thought, ashamed that she was so relieved to be away. They were _her_ friends, right? Have been for years. But lately, ever since her resurrection, she was feeling more disconnected from them the harder she was trying to find a footing in her beyond crappy life. _They brought me back. My own friends. In this ... this Hell. _The realization echoed repeatedly in her mind, leaving a deep cold inside Buffy that both welcomed and scared her.

The small slayer sighed heavily, putting her hand on her forehead. She wanted _so much_ to be okay again, back the way she was before everything had started falling apart around her. And thinking of her friends ... well, that was pushing her even further from being "strong, determined" Buffy. _I gotta get them off my mind ... I'm not here to flog over how much I _don't _care lately. And really, who does repression better than me? _ She thought, forcibly thinking of why she was here. This was her escape. An escape she so desperately needed, if only for one night. _He _would make things easier ... she hoped.

Buffy looked around the café again, reminding herself that Angel wasn't here yet. It wasn't like him to be late, or at least, late to see _her _considering the circumstances. Had she gotten there too early? Buffy wouldn't be surprised if she had been, she _had _left her house in a big "I'd-rather-be-anywhere-but-here" way. She just .. she _really_ needed to see Angel again. Unsurprisingly, so had he. Buffy had still remembered the stunned, breathless tone of his voice when she had picked up the phone for that entirely unexpected conversation. It couldn't be any _more_ obvious all of those years Angel had worked on to maintain his stoic exterior had vanished in blink.

This realization left the slayer with mixed feelings. She wanted so badly to be held and comforted by Angel again just like when her mother died, but there was still that part of Buffy that was afraid to see him again. Even if he thought differently, she wasn't the stubborn, strong-willed Buffy that he loved. Not anymore. She felt cold, and dead, and that the smallest setback would just blow her right over. Buffy just couldn't bear for Angel to see her like that, to have him realize she had lost herself. It was too shameful for her to even _dream_ of. But, still, despite everything, the desire to be with him and feel at least marginally better overpowered her shame. _Angel doesn't know where I _really_ was ... that I was in Heaven. How can I tell him something like that? 'Hey, I'm a black pit of a mess and just want to be in the ground again 'cause none of you are good enough.' _Buffy thought, a doubtful and guilty frown on her face. If she told Angel, he would go out of his way to help her and worry unhealthily over her (Not that anyone else wasn't ...) and she wasn't sure if she wanted to upset him that much. God knows why she had even told Spike. But ... _should_ she tell him? Sighing again, Buffy realized she wasn't sure. All she knew was that Angel might make her feel the faintest bit like herself again, even if it wasn't by much.

Feeling like her thoughts couldn't become any_ more _confusing or depressing, Buffy was pulled out of her musings abruptly by the sighting of a black car. The blonde quickly recognized Angel's Plymouth GTX (Which was a _very _nice car. A little old-fashioned, but it sort of fit him that way), causing her heart to speed up involuntarily. This was it. She was finally going to see Angel after so long. And that meant ... another intense, overwhelming reunion. _Oh god. Am I ever going to get used to this? _Buffy thought in disbelief, recalling that many of her meetings with Angel ended with her feeling emotionally drained. Some things never changed, right? Right.

Just as Angel was getting out of the car, Buffy took in a deep breath to brace herself. Smoothing her hair and her clothes self-consciously, the slender blonde slayer was just about to walk up to greet him. However, Angel was faster. He quickly moved away from the Plymouth car, his dark eyes flitting nervously across the café before finally spotting Buffy. The handsome vampire froze briefly, his expression dazed and openly shocked. Buffy gave a wry smile, trying to ease the nervousness she was feeling again.

Managing to recover himself, Angel immediately started toward her with a surprisingly brisk pace. Once eventually standing in front of her, he again did nothing but stare at her. It seemed to Buffy that he was still too shaken to form any coherent words and he was giving her that "deer in the headlights" look of his, full of disbelief. At this, she resisted the urge to shift nervously because _she_ didn't really know what to say either. Angel was clearly in shock to see her alive and well. Well, _alive_, at least. The reaction was sort of making her uncomfortable, even though Buffy figured she should probably be used to it by now considering the past few days.

"Buffy ..." Angel finally managed to say, his voice coming out barely as a whisper.

"Angel." The Slayer replied back, a small smile curving her lips.

Instantly, the dark-haired vampire pulled her into a crushing hug, causing Buffy to let out a soft yelp of surprise. Angel tightened his hold around her, drawing her closer. "Buffy... you're alive. You're really, _really_ here. " He murmured into her shoulder, soft with disbelief. "I couldn't let myself believe it until I saw you." He added, almost to himself. Buffy returned the embrace, but was somewhat uncomfortable by the strength of his hold. She was sure it would hurt a hell of a lot more if she didn't have her trusty slayer strength.

"Easy, Angel. The non-fangy people still need to breath." The small blonde forced out, but nonetheless maintained a light-hearted tone.

Getting the hint, the vampire loosened his grip, but still kept his hands on her arms. Buffy glanced at him steadily, not all unnerved by the familiar intensity and emotion his dark brown depths held. " ... I thought I lost you forever." Angel admitted, gently brushing the hair from her face in an affectionate manner.

Buffy was silent for a moment, the two just staring at each other. " ... I'm back." She answered simply, forcing the slight curve of a smile. _I'm really back. _The young slayer reiterated in her head, feeling grief and loss strike through her. No more peace. No more Heaven. All of her happiness was just stripped away. _Again_.

Angel stared at her a little while longer before apparently snapping out of his happy daze of "Buffy-is-alive". Slowly moving his hand from her face, Buffy noticed a change in his eyes. They were beginning to cloud over in concern, a look she knew _extremely_ well by now. And when that happened, Angel questions and over-fretting were bound to follow it. Buffy still couldn't decide what she thought of that yet.

"Buffy ..." He began worriedly, getting _that_ look.

The blonde sighed slightly, mentally preparing herself again. "Can we just _not_ yet?" She asked, fully aware at how exhausted she sounded. "We'll ... talk, okay? But I wanna sit down first." She admitted, walking past Angel to the café. "We'll order some fancy cappuccinos, all foamy and stuff. Whoever said you can't have coffee at night obviously aren't too flexible." Buffy quipped, though even she could see the humor just wasn't there.

Angel was still giving her that overly concerned look of his, but seemed to relent to a point as he started to follow noiselessly after her. _This is gonna be a long night ... _Buffy realized, wondering if her fragile state of mind would actually handle it.

* * *

~~Buffy~~

Buffy stared awkwardly at her small cup of coffee, avoiding directly meeting Angel's eyes. Here they were. At a café between Sunnydale and Los Angeles. Alone (Which _so_ did not make it a date). About to have a conversation some part of her was afraid to have and the other part of her begged for it. Yep, it was already a boatload of fun for the whole family. She knew what Angel wanted to ask her, it was written all over his behavior. Well, that and common sense. I mean, who _wouldn't _want to know where she was when she died and how damaged she actually was from the experience? All of her friends were tip-toeing around her and giving her looks that kind of more or less proved it. She knew that just as well as she knew that Angel would be the only one out of _all_ of them that wouldn't be afraid to ask where she _really_ was. Which, okay, basically meant she was screwed. And _why_? 'Cause her ex was just as (if not more) as stubborn as Buffy herself.

"Buffy." Angel stated firmly, his dark, penetrating eyes getting that resolute set to them Buffy knew she could never change now.

The blonde tightened her grip slightly on the cup, feeling nervous again. She moved her hair off her shoulder, and looked at him beneath her lashes. "Do you think coffee was a bad idea? 'Cause, y'know, with _coffee _everything seems too casual. And then, you get little cracks in it, y'know? So suddenly it goes all kablooey and you have to glue back the pieces. But you can't 'cause it never really sticks." Buffy babbled out, her words tumbling out in an anxious rush. She made a sweeping motion with her hand, putting one on her forehead. "Coffee. Bad, bad. It's badness." She muttered a bit slower, finally reining in control of her voice. And did she _really_ just make _another_ coffee metaphor? God, if Angel wasn't used to her speech patterns by now, she'd die of even _more_ embarrassment.

Angel blinked at her. "I don't think coffee's the issue." He stated, the barest shadow of a smirk on his face. However, his expression reverted to familiar somberness. "Buffy ... how are you feeling?" He inquired, staring at her in barely hidden worry.

"God. If _one_ more person asks me that ..." Buffy remarked, moving her head in obvious irritation. No, she _wasn't _okay. But the constant question and worry wasn't helping her either! It was suffocating and it just brought up a new brand of guilt that she wasn't her usual self anymore. Sighing slightly, she gazed at him steadily. "I'm okay. Well, unless you count the whole "six feet under" deal. Kind of gives you perspective. Life's funny that way." Buffy said flippantly, busying herself with her coffee so Angel wouldn't notice the obvious lie.

"Don't joke about something like that, Buffy." Angel reprimanded pointedly, obviously frustrated. " And no_, _you're not _okay_." He insisted, sounding displeased. The vampire's fervor softened a little, going back to looking anxious. "Something's off about you. You're more ..."

"Dead?" The blonde offered, giving him an emotionless look.

Angel didn't say anything, avoiding meeting her eyes. "Willow told me what happened. That you were ... in Hell." He stated reluctantly, visibly disturbed. He turned to look at her again, his deep brown eyes full of conflict. "I don't expect you to tell me what it did to you, Buffy. I've been there. It wasn't exactly my favorite field trip either." Angel admitted tensely, a faraway and distant look gathering in his features. He reached out to grab her hand, squeezing it gently. "But I want you to know you'll pull through this. You always do." The vampire added earnestly, giving her a meaningful look.

Now feeling overwhelmed by his intensity, Buffy couldn't bring herself to look at him. _No, Angel. I can't this time. _She thought despairingly, any of her willpower having up and left her long before. This life, it was too ... too hard. Too much. She didn't understand for the life of her how Angel and her friends could believe in her so completely. And if she was totally honest with herself, some part of her never did in the first place.

"And ..." The vampire started up again, causing the blonde slayer to awake herself out of her miserly daze. Angel wasn't looking at her directly, he had averted his eyes by this point. He also bore a surprisingly guilt-stricken and sullen expression, causing Buffy's warning flags to start setting themselves off. Angel being guilty wasn't new, but she was too afraid to hear the next words from his mouth given her already weak will. Seeing the vampire again would make her feel better ... but that didn't mean it'd be entirely painless either. "When you died ... I'm sorry I wasn't there. I should've been around to stop it." Angel revealed, his voice quiet with shame. "Maybe if I did ... you wouldn't had went through all of that." He reasoned, his dark eyes alight with bad memories.

Buffy didn't answer, her sense of guilt increasing when she recognized the haunted look in his eyes. _He must've went through so much when I died ..._ She thought, almost feeling choked by her own sense of blame. Seeing those she loved be so torn up over her passing killed her on the inside, and made her feel like a terrible person. While they had be grieving, she had been happy and at peace with herself. Everything was finally easy and now _she_ was the one crippled with pain when _they_ were glad she was back. It's funny how that turned the tables on her so abruptly. _Angel blaming himself for my death ... must've stole some notes from Spike. _The blonde slayer noted exaggeratedly, still remembering quite clearly the declaration the other vampire had gave soon after her resurrection. And that comparison was making her feel even _more_ like crap. _Such_ a big surprise.

Before Angel could continue his guilt montage, Buffy found her words again. "Even if you were there Angel, it wouldn't change what happened." She pointed out matter-of-factly, her voice firm. "I _chose_ to die. No one else was going to save the world like that except me. I knew what I had to do, and I did it." She insisted, staring at him seriously. Making the decision to kill herself for the world and Dawn ... she had felt no pain over the sacrifice the moment she realized it. It had just felt natural for Buffy to be the one to close the portal, everything had started to come together at last. _It was like ... like I finally _knew_ who I was. Nothing was confusing anymore. I just _knew_. And I was finally _finished_. _She reflected wistfully, thinking that was maybe the first time in her life she truly _had_ that sort of clarity. Though Buffy knew in her heart she could never tell Angel or her friends that. She didn't want them to know she had felt that confident and actually _wanted_ to die without reservations. Maybe they'd realize just how far gone she was even back then.

Angel gave her a long look, obviously torn. "I know nothing would have changed your mind about it." He agreed, sounding sad even as he said it. "But I still would've tried." He stated softly, seeming miserable. The souled vampire was still clearly blaming himself for Buffy's death, even if it had been self-imposed. The blonde slayer couldn't say she was surprised, she got the feeling all of her friends would feel the exact same way about it. "I'm still sorry this had to happen to you, Buffy. No one deserves to suffer like that, especially when you did it to _save_ everyone. I wish there was some way I could make it easier for you." Angel confessed, gazing at her in worry and uselessness.

_He's still not ... he still thinks I was in Hell._ She realized numbly, feeling like her chest was getting crushed. Angel was still making all the wrong conclusions, and thinking that it was Hell that screwed her up like this. The truth was far more devastating and unbearable for the blonde slayer than that. She wished she _did_ get stuck in hell dimension because at least then she'd have an _excuse_ for being like this. _If Angel keeps talking about hell dimensions ... I just can't listen to this. _She thought, feeling a rush of distress threatening to overwhelm her. It had been easier when it had just been her friends, and not Angel. They were too scared to press any further than that. Angel, unfortunately, didn't have this reason. Because for someone like _him_ over someone like _her_, he'd just be too worried to _not_ mention it. Goodie.

Trying to push away her thoughts, Buffy looked down back to the table and bit her lip unconsciously in nervousness. She knew what she had to do now. She _had_ to tell Angel where she really was when she died, there was no way she could deal with this and hide it anymore. He deserved to know she hadn't been wasting away in some hell dimension like he had been, maybe that might make him feel a little more relieved. For a _second_. But more than anything, Buffy also knew she couldn't stand being with Angel the entire night and keep it from him. It was already killing her doing so to her friends, it was too exhausting for her to do so to him as well. "It ... wasn't." She said, her voice soft.

"Wasn't what?" Angel asked, looking at her expectantly.

Buffy paused for a second, unable able to staunch the urge to hesitate. Part of her didn't want to tell him, but she knew she had to now. _Anything_ was better than the alternative of listening to the mentions of "Hell" from Angel all night long. Gathering up her resolve again, Buffy raised her head to gaze at him with lifeless eyes. "I wasn't in Hell." She admitted, her face completely expressionless.

The handsome vampire was silent for a moment, an incredibly perplexed look on his face as he let go of her hand. "Willow said-"

"Willow skipped a few pages in the _Alternate Dimensions Guide_. She didn't read too much into it before she brought me back." The blonde pointed out, mixed feelings of guilt and blame attacking her at her red-headed friend's wrong assumption. "I wasn't being tortured or any of that stuff, really. Where I was ... it was peaceful. Simple." Buffy described, feeling cold and emptiness chilling her to the bone. "I'm not an expert on dimensions, but ... I think I was in Heaven." She finally revealed, sure her loneliness and desolation must've of touched her tone.

Angel was quiet for a long time, giving her an intense stare. Buffy couldn't tell what he was thinking, his expression was unreadable, but she was sure that whatever it was, it wasn't good. "You didn't tell her." He suddenly said, stating it as a fact.

"I _can't_, Angel." Buffy murmured, shaking her head. "Wil didn't know where I was when she did the spell. It's not like ... like she _wanted_ me to be miserable. She just wanted me back." She justified, though her own words didn't touch the blonde's hollow heart. "I can't let her know I where I really was. It's better for her to think she saved me, not the other way around." Buffy confessed, despite everything truly meaning that. Yes, some part of her unreasonably blamed Willow and all of them for throwing her into this hell that was her life; still she knew the truth. The blonde slayer just couldn't bear seeing the guilt and shame in the red-head's face just because she hadn't wanted to be alive again. After everything they'd been through together, Buffy owed her that.

"Miserable ... you mean-" Angel started in slight confusion, before breaking off abruptly. He frowned as realization finally dawned on him, looking completely disturbed. Buffy knew the look in his eyes ... it was exactly why some part of her didn't want to tell him this. The conflict, horror, and guilt were as clear as ever. All because she wasn't herself, she _wasn't_ Buffy. The old her would be clinging to life as desperately as ever, fully prepared to face any challenge that came her way. Now she hated her life, she hated herself, and all she wanted was to be at peace again. But everyone else? They loved her too much to let her go. "You never wanted to be brought back. To _us_." Angel finally managed to force out, his voice low as he stared at her in pain and guilt.

Buffy looked away, feeling her shame seeping through as well. "I was finally happy. At peace. I didn't have to worry about taking care of everyone, or when the next apocalypse was around the corner. It was just ... me, y'know?" She began, an edge of wistfulness in her voice. "I knew all of you were safe. Nothing mattered anymore ... I can't even remember the last time I felt like that before." Buffy admitted honestly, looking down again. "I never knew how much of a relief it would be. And then it was gone." She continued, grief filling her. "Now it's back to being the Chosen One. Being the grown-up." Buffy added, raising her voice in false cheerfulness. "Everything here is _unbearable_. Nothing is easy. I just ... _can't_ anymore. It's just ... just too much." The blonde slayer finished, never before having felt so lost and worthless. Did she _really_ deserve this? Was she that terrible of a person?

Forcing her attention back to Angel, she was shamed to see the enhanced shocked look of horror and guilt in his eyes. Buffy had never intended to be that open about her depression, but the words just kept tumbling out before she could even stop it. Yet it had felt like such a relief to open up again to someone besides Spike. Though it had felt a lot more easier to say when she had told blond vampire. Buffy couldn't quite understand why though. Maybe it had just been because she didn't care as much what he had thought like she did with Angel and her friends but still, she was not quite sure. _Spike's been ... confusing me a lot lately. I don't even ... hate to be around him as much as I used to. _She reflected, finding that thought curiously puzzling. He was easier to talk to than her own _friends_ nowadays.

"I never expected you to feel like this ..." Angel admitted, giving her a look that screamed guilty helplessness.

Buffy turned her eyes to her still-full coffee cup. "Neither did I." She replied quietly, her voice soft with repressed pain. "I ... I hate feeling like _this_. This isn't me. It can't be." The blonde mumbled, more to herself than Angel. "It _isn't_, right?" Buffy added with an edge of panic, giving Angel a borderline fearful look. She didn't want to be this person ... this person who wanted death more than life. A person that couldn't feel anything but cold and misery. _How_ could that be who she was? What had happened to her? Taking a brief pause, the small slayer tried to calm her sense of panic. It didn't take too much, it had already been replaced with her self-loathing and misery instead. "I just want it over. All of it."

* * *

~~Angel~~

Angel stared at Buffy, never feeling so thrown and helpless before. When he had arranged to meet her, he knew she wouldn't of been happy or more like her usual self. The vampire was smart enough to know that, considering what Willow had told him. But never in his wildest dreams did he expect Buffy's problem to be not what she went through when she died, but rather being alive again. It killed him to see her feel like this. Buffy was always strong and determined, it's one of the many things about her he fell in love with. Sure, she struggled and made it clear many times she didn't particularly like her life, but she at least never wanted to _die_. What had happened to make her feel like this? Was it her mother's death? Maybe she had been more rattled by it than she let on. Or was it something else entirely? _Willow was the one who brought her back ... did it backfire? _Angel thought, but that idea disturbed him so much he couldn't let himself think on it any further. No. _This_ was Buffy. It had to be. She'd get through this, just like she does with everything else. He _had_ to believe that.

Still, he could not will away the fear and pain that she would not. Buffy had always been so full of life and emotion, she'd never given up entirely. But this ... this was different. Even just by looking at her, he recognized the desolation and disconnection she had towards everything around her. And on some level, him included. It was almost like even when she was here, she _wasn't_. And that ... that scared him more than anything else. Angel knew all too well the feeling of no longer caring about anything in life. It wasn't a good place to be, and it still amazed him that he had somehow managed to crawl out of it before he lost himself entirely. _I never wanted her to feel like I did._ He thought, grief and sympathy towards the woman he loved threatening to overwhelm him. The vampire wanted nothing more but to ease her pain, but he simply didn't know how. _What do you want me to say, Buffy? That I hope you die again? I can't do that. _Even though that was what she wanted, Angel couldn't bring himself to wish she was dead when he had just gotten her back. He knew it was selfish, but he also knew he would never regret Willow's decision to resurrect her.

"Buffy ... I'm not sorry you're alive." The vampire stated truthfully, giving her a serious stare. "But I'm sorry you feel like this. I wish I could do something to help." Angel continued, feeling the guilt and helplessness that he hated returning full-force. He didn't know _how_ he was supposed to respond to this. If he told Buffy she could die again so she could be "happy", it would be an entire lie on his part. Not only was it a bad call since the blonde would be running from her problems instead of facing them, but he loved her too much to say it. No matter how Buffy felt ... he just couldn't say those words, even if it _would_ make her feel better.

"You and everyone else." Buffy responded wryly, slight irritation in her tone. " It's a big 'ole pity party for Buffy. Now all it needs is some black, morbid streamers and crappy appetizers." She remarked sarcastically, rolling her eyes.

"Buffy, it's just because we care about you." Angel pointed out reasonably, his voice controlled and calm as he noticed her annoyance. It was a sharp contrast from the torrent of emotion inside him as he struggled to get a grip on his conflicting feelings.

"And _that's_ the problem." The blonde Slayer argued, frustration and stress in eyes. "You all care _so much, _it's like _impossible_ for you to not worry. And then there's _me _feeling bad about it, trying to act all fine and dandy. Miserably failing, apparently." Buffy added, looking disgruntled. "It's just ... _a lot_ of pressure. So _forgive me_ if I get a little snappy, alright?" She pointed out tiredly, giving Angel a slight glare.

_It just reminds her what's wrong with her. _Angel realized intuitively, knowing he wasn't exactly helping that either. But how could he _not _worry about Buffy? She had just told him how much pain she was actually in, there's no way he could overlook that. Though he suspected Buffy wasn't expecting him to. That didn't mean she had to like it, though. "I'm sorry. But it's just ... you're not alone, Buffy. You need to remember that." Angel said, trying to get through to her in some way.

Buffy gazed at him, her green eyes full of sadness. "Then why does it feel like I am?" The small blonde answered forlornly, her voice dripping with so much loneliness it pierced Angel's undead heart.

"Look, Buffy. I know what you're going through ..." The brooding vampire began, finally realizing that the only way she might feel a little better is if he shared with her his own depression with Darla several months earlier. It wasn't perhaps his favorite topic to talk about nowadays, but if it could make Buffy feel better, then it was worth it.

The beautiful slayer's eyes flashed instantly in anger. "_No_, no you _don't_ understand." Buffy interrupted firmly, glaring at Angel. "_You_ weren't the one who finally had an out. The light at the end of the scary, gut-wrenching tunnel. To be finished with-" She broke off for a minute, choked with emotion. "To have that _ripped_ _away_ from you by your _own friends_." Buffy said coldly, anger and betrayal in her voice. "Don't say you _understand_. You _don't_. None of you do." The blonde reiterated firmly, some semblance of her stubborn fire returning.

Angel was silent, slightly shocked by the emotion she was displaying. "Maybe I don't." He agreed easily, causing Buffy to look the faintest bit surprised. "But I know how it feels not to care. To lose sight of what's important." The vampire began, wreathing himself in bad memories. "Nothing matters, even when it should. There's no point to one thing or the next, and you can't find the purpose you had. To get through it. To overcome it." Angel continued intensely, remembering with vivid clarity how he had felt when Darla and Wolfram & Hart had thwarted him. "You hate yourself for it, but it won't go away. And then eventually you welcome it. 'Cause if nothing means anything, what's the point of trying?" He remarked matter-of-factly, giving her a knowing look. "Not having meaning, purpose ..." Angel sighed, tilting his head a little. "Buffy, for people like us, it's the most unbearable thing in the world."

The small blond was gaping at him, her expressive eyes stretched in disbelief. "Wha ... ? How?" Buffy stammered unsteadily, looking confused out of her head. "Whoa. Can you, like, read my mind? 'Cause, y'know, there's a demon for that." She stated, only sounding like she was half-joking. "_Seriously, _Angel. What happened to trigger the big "I know from crappy experience" spiel?" The slayer demanded, her face scrunched up in curiosity and concern.

Angel ran a hand through his hair nervously, still ashamed to talk about what he went through when Darla was still in Los Angeles. "It was in L.A. About a year ago. Got hunted down by an evil law firm. Manipulated. Made some choices I'm not proud of. Took me a while to get over it." The vampire said reluctantly, purposely not being very specific. He didn't want Buffy to know just how far off the deep end he had actually been. It scared him back then and still scared him now.

The Slayer quirked a brow. "Evil law firm?"

"Long story." Angel muttered, not that willing to divulge over Wolfram & Hart's continued obsession with him.

"Well, thanks so much for the details." Buffy quipped pointedly, giving him a curious look. However, her expression changed as she pierced the vampire with a worried look. "Angel, why didn't you tell me what was going on with you if you felt like that? I could've helped you." She argued, sounding confused and offended.

Immediately, Angel shook his head. "I didn't want anyone around me, Buffy. Least of all you." He explained guiltily. "I was too ashamed of myself." He admitted, not looking her in the eyes directly.

Buffy paused for a minute, choosing her words carefully. "What was it that you did anyways?" She inquired, giving him a firm but mildly suspicious stare.

The vampire hesitated, remembering the many things he had done wrong. Locked several human lawyers in a room at the mercy of Drusilla and Darla. Fired Cordelia, Wesley, and Gunn from Angel Investigations. Set Dru and Darla on fire. And finally, slept with Darla when was at his complete worst. Angel felt uncomfortable sharing all of that to Buffy of all people, _particularly_ the last one. "You don't want to know." He responded simply, staring at her in complete somberness.

Buffy frowned, clearly unsatisfied. She thought for a second, before shaking her head. "You're right. I probably don't." The blonde agreed resignedly, appearing to leave her question unanswered. There was a silence between the two before Buffy looked up at Angel from across the table, looking reluctant. "So ... how did you?" She asked softly. Buffy moved her hair and bangs back, fixing him with a more firmer gaze. "I mean, how did you climb out of the giant black hole?" She clarified, obviously forcing her voice to sound nonchalant.

_Sleeping with a soulless monster. _He thought in his head, still remembering _that_ experience quite vividly. As wrong as it had been, that ultimate moment of despair had finally inspired him to find purpose in life again. Funny how it worked that way. But telling Buffy about his one-night stand with Darla was one of the worst things he could do to her, especially given how she was now, and he'd rather leave that unsaid for a long, long time. Maybe forever. However, Buffy also needed some consolation and advice from his experience. That's why he even chose to talk about is 'dark' phase at all. "I was at my worst ... and did something I never would've done. It went against everything in me. Though that was kind of the point. I wanted ... an escape." Angel started, doing his utmost to be as vague as possible. Noticing Buffy's narrowing eyes, he quickly added, "No one innocent got killed. That didn't make it any less of a mistake. But I learned from it." Angel reassured her, causing the blonde slayer to relax again.

"Again with the cryptic. Do I have to punch it out of you?" Buffy joked, though still nonetheless looked slightly annoyed.

"Buffy, it doesn't matter what I did. What matters is the message." The vampire insisted, still refusing even _slightly_ implying that he slept with Darla. "We'll all go through a point where it feels like nothing matters. It's normal. And y'know what? It usually _doesn't _in the end." Angel stated bluntly, shrugging.

The blonde slayer frowned, seeming both miffed and confused. "And this is supposed to help me _how_?"

"Buffy, just because it doesn't mean anything doesn't make it pointless. Things are hard. Not many people in the world ever really make peace with it." The vampire replied casually. "But that doesn't mean we should give up. Our choices matter, not the reward. People _matter_. That's why we fight, Buffy." Angel stated matter-of-factly, giving her a meaningful look.

Buffy was silent, her gaze dropping to the table again. "It doesn't feel that way." She replied sadly in a low tone.

"It never does at first. But it will. Someday. You'll see what I mean." He replied, trying to reassure her. "You'll get through this, Buffy. I believe in you, so does everyone else. Maybe you should believe in yourself too." Angel added softly, hoping so much he had at least partially succeeded in restoring some of her determination.

The small looked was giving him an unsettlingly unreadable expression and quickly avoided meeting his eyes. Angel immediately got the feeling he hadn't been able to comfort her with his words as much as he had wanted it too, much to his chagrin. The way Buffy wasn't looking at him and still hadn't given any feedback made it painfully obvious._ I don't expect her to get over this just like that ... I just hope she stops seeing herself as so weak. Buffy's not like that, she's always been stronger than she realizes. _Angel thought worriedly, certain his expression wasn't hiding his anxiety. He still couldn't get used to seeing the blonde slayer this hopeless. The vampire had seen her at low points before, but it had never been _this_ severe.

Still not having quieted any of his inner turmoil, the souled vampire felt a sudden thought come to his mind. He had been wondering this earlier when Buffy had first told him her true whereabouts while she was dead, but his flood of concern and shock wouldn't let him voice it then. "You didn't tell any of them, did you? About ... where you were." Angel questioned cautiously, having the strong suspicion she really _didn't_ given her reasoning for not telling Willow.

Buffy's green eyes clouded. "I can't. Wil's the mega-_can't_, but none of the others should know either. It's too ..." The slayer broke off, shaking her head uneasily. "It's just not necessary." She added instead, giving Angel a look that spoke volumes of her unspoken thoughts.

"So it's just me." Angel murmured quietly, not that surprised. It wasn't the first time Buffy had told him something she never shared with her friends despite their break-up. He was still glad that she still felt comfortable enough to open up with him, but he just wished it hadn't been so painful and depressing for her. Angel had always hated seeing Buffy suffer, she never deserved it. Despite that, he'd do his best to make her feel better as much as he could during their meeting. Right now, he knew that was what she so desperately needed.

Buffy stared at him uncertainly, looking confused and hesitant. "Well, _yeah_. Except ... not really." The blonde slayer answered awkwardly, not meeting his eyes. "I told ... Spike, too. For some reason." Buffy admitted, frowning in puzzlement.

Surprise pulsed through Angel. He definitely did not expect _that_ answer. "Spike?" The vampire bit out slightly too tensely, but he did his best to stave off most of his displeasure. Angel would be lying though if he said it didn't bother him that Buffy had told Spike something this personal of hers and yet refused to tell any of her actual _friends_. Why was Spike the exception? He knew full-well that his grandchilde had become obsessed with Buffy a while back, she had told him during their last meeting together after her mother's death. Angel had never been too keen over that information, but he could handle it because he knew Buffy would never give Spike a chance. Yet _here she was_, admitting she had told him something she had told no one else but himself. And that ... well, it made Angel wonder. And not in a good way.

Buffy gave him a helpless look. "Don't look at me. I don't get why I told him either. It just sorta ... came out." She explained uneasily, looking just as confused as Angel felt. "It was majorly weird, but I felt a little better telling Spike. Guess it just felt good to tell _someone_ who wasn't involved with bringing me back." She deduced, shrugging her shoulders.

The brooding vampire leaned back and crossed his arms, giving her a suspicious look. "I thought you hated Spike." Angel pointed out matter-of-factly, seriously wondering how that could change so fast in just a few months. He hoped he wasn't making his displeasure and irritation of this too obvious, Angel knew full-well how much pressure Buffy was feeling and he didn't want to make it worse. Though the vampire quickly realized long ago that when it came to her and other men taking an interest in her, he wasn't ... _great_ at ignoring how much it annoyed or upset him in most situations.

"And I do!" Buffy insisted automatically, before frowning a little in confusion. "Sometimes." She added unconvincingly, thinking for a minute. When spotting Angel's narrowed eyes, the blonde was quick to respond. "It's just ... he's not that bad anymore. Spike helped take care of Dawn when I died, he even worked with the Scoobies before, _while, _and_ after _I was underground." Buffy revealed pointedly, staring at him seriously. "He did a lot for me and Dawn." She said as an afterthought, now giving Angel a mildly reprimanding look that he didn't like at all.

"Buffy, he's _soulless_. All Spike cares about is himself. You can't under any circumstances trust him." Angel argued impatiently, unable to believe she was actually defending Spike. "There's no possible way he can be good without a soul. Everything he does for you, he's just doing it so you can like him. Spike's not capable of thinking for others, he's _selfish_." The vampire clarified persistently, staring at her stubbornly. He truly couldn't understand _why_ he had to say all of these things, Buffy should already know by now. She _used_ to once. Angel wondered for a moment if Spike was taking advantage of the blonde's vulnerability, and _that_ was causing her to think like this. That definitely _sounded_ like his grandchilde, and if that was what's going on here, it'd just give him _more_ reason the hate the annoying, younger vampire.

Buffy had started to glare at Angel mid-way between his words and she now seemed to be at the peak of exasperation and disbelief. "I never said I _trusted_ him." She reminded him, giving the vampire a pointed look. "I haven't forgotten what he is, Angel. I'm just saying he's not _that_ bad, he's ... different. A little. Emphasis on_ a_ _little_." The blonde slayer remarked, suddenly frowning at her own words. "It's not like we're best pals, Spike's just ... _okay_ to be around. Sometimes." Buffy explained awkwardly, though she seemed immensely puzzled to Angel's eye. "At least more than my own_ friends_ nowadays." She muttered in irritation, sounding like she was saying it more to herself than him.

"Okay, great." The brooding vampire responded sarcastically, still very thrown off and miffed over this development. _What_ exactly had happened since he had last seen her? This seemed very sudden to Angel, and it was bothering him. "Can we go back to the _'You can't trust him'_ part?" He referenced, an edge to his tone. He didn't like hearing this, and not _just_ because it was from Buffy and he hated Spike. If Buffy claimed she didn't trust him, then why was she "okay" hanging out with him? Perhaps she fully believed what she was saying, but she had to have _some_ trust in Spike to be perfectly fine talking with him for extended periods. Even if it wasn't much, it had to be there. And if that was true, it was dangerous. Buffy couldn't be friends with a soulless monster, especially not someone like Spike who was constantly swayed by what _he_ wanted and had little regard for anyone else. Especially when he was _obsessed with_ _her_. That made it a an extremely bad choice to be involved with the bleach blonde vampire in any way whatsoever, it could just get Buffy hurt or _worse_.

"And I told you I don't." Buffy insisted almost blandly, giving Angel a _'Really?'_ stare. It couldn't more obvious she was entirely uninterested and did not understand the souled vampire's pressure on this topic. As expected, this awareness annoyed Angel since he did not believe for a _second_ what she was saying was true. "I'm not stupid, Angel. I get he's not exactly a reliable source." The blonde slayer quipped, her light tone indicating she was half-joking. This called for_ jokes_, now? This was _serious_!

Angel gazed at her, his eyes narrowed in wariness. He had a burning question on the tip of his tongue since she had first admitted she had also told him Spike knew the truth about being in Heaven, and couldn't push away anymore. The vampire just hoped her response was something he would like. "Do you have feelings for him?" He prompted tensely, almost regretting it when he realized that question had come off a lot more demanding and abrupt than he intended. Angel _really_ wasn't trying to be a jealous ex-boyfriend, he understood Buffy was in pain right now. It was just ... _Spike_. Why Spike? Why couldn't Buffy just hate him still and stay away from him, even if she didn't have feelings for him? Why did Angel even have to _have_ this conversation? It's supposed to be simple. Buffy hates Spike. Spike never gets a chance with her. Buffy never gets hurt because of him. That's how Angel expected it to be, and then he gets _this_ thrown in his face.

"What?" Buffy exclaimed, rolling her eyes in irritation. "_No_. Of course not. We're not even friends." She stated curtly, staring at him pointedly. "Not that it would be your business even if I _did_." She expressed bluntly, sounding moderately frustrated with this discussion. "Look, we're not here to talk about Spike. He's not important. So quit with the jealous issues, okay?" The blonde slayer insisted, giving him a firm glare. "You're always like this." She muttered under her breath, mostly to herself.

"Why would I be jealous of _Spike_?" Angel answered automatically without thinking, sounding incredulous. He _shouldn't_ be jealous of Spike. He was just ... he just wasn't worth being jealous over. The bleached blonde vampire was insignificant, a _terrible_ person, and was just "lesser". Angel may not think much of himself, but he was certain he was at the very least better than _Spike_.

Buffy gave him a long look. "You tell me." She replied dryly, giving Angel a knowing look.

At this, Angel was silent in mild self-conscious awkwardness as he realized the stupidity of that response as well as the complete realization he had just lied to her and himself. _Okay ... maybe I'm a _little_ jealous. _He admitted reluctantly, feeling more uncomfortable as Buffy continued to give him that meaningful look that said she _knew_. The vampire just didn't like being jealous of Spike, let alone admitting it to himself. After all, the bleached blonde vampire meant little to Angel and he just saw him as a pest that was only good at annoying him and not much else. It embarrassed and dented Angel's pride at the realization he _was_ jealous of Spike, he really didn't want to be. For a second he wondered why he even was, though it quickly came to him. It was just that Spike was manipulative and persistent and never let things that he wanted _go. _He wanted Buffy. He had "feelings" for her, an awareness that disgusted and irritated Angel to this day. Buffy apparently didn't hate him any more, and Spike was _still around her_. Top that off with Angel's own intact feelings for her and _of course_ he was going to feel pissy about it.

While Angel could admit he was suffering from jealousy (at this point familiar), he also knew it was much more than that. Spike was completely unpredictable and self-centered, nothing about him made him worthy of being seen as a trustworthy ally. Angel worried that due to Buffy's obvious depression and softening grudge that he would she would let her guard down and allow herself to get hurt. He didn't want that for Buffy, and it made him cautious over her. Even if Spike was chipped (the only thing Angel believed held him back from killing people again), he could still find other ways to get to Buffy. Whether it was emotionally, physically, or both he would still find a way. He knew his grandchilde better than that, after all. The souled vampire _also_ know Buffy could take care of herself, but still you couldn't be too careful.

Uncrossing his arms as he recovered from his embarrassment, Angel glanced at her steadily. "I'm sorry. I get how hard things are on you." The vampire apologized, feeling bad at his jealous behavior and how extreme it had come off as. "It's just ... look, I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but you should stay away from Spike." He began, his voice unfaltering. "You can't let your guard down with him, even for a moment. That's all it takes for Spike to turn on you." Angel stated with conviction, giving her a serious stare. "He's dangerous, Buffy. Be careful." The vampire warned somberly, feeling greatly concerned. The blonde slayer didn't see Spike the same way he did, and that _wasn't_ good. Angel just couldn't push the feeling something bad would happen if she ignored his words.

"Funny, 'cause from a different perspective, it looks like you _are_ telling me what to do." Buffy responded flatly, her tone full of false light-heartedness as she pierced him with a glare soon afterwards. She was obviously unamused with his warnings. "I'll write it all in a memo." She added flippantly, giving him a wry smile.

"I'm serious, Buffy. Whatever Spike says, _don't_ listen to him." The vampire responded worriedly, not liking that she was again falling back on making _jokes_ about something like this. This was far too serious to be making jokes over. He was also particularly aware of the fact Buffy would do this sometimes when she wanted to avoid a conversation, and that made him more anxious.

"Yeah, yeah. I got it, Angel. Don't worry about me." She answered nonchalantly, increasing the sense that she wasn't really interested in talking this over. She rose from the booth and stretched her arms out comfortably. "We got the 'gut-wrenching-talk-with-coffee' part of the night down. How 'bout some late night slayage? Still got another six hours before sunrise." Buffy suggested, pulling a stake out of her jean pocket as she gazed at him expectantly.

Angel stared at her uncertainly, wondering if Buffy really took his warning about Spike to heart. Whether she did or not, she clearly no longer wanted to talk about it. He was extremely tempted to keep pushing this until she gave at least gave a half-convincing reply she _would_ keep in mind what he was saying, but he refrained from it. Angel might bring it up later, but it was better for him to drop it for now. Not wanting to argue anymore and particularly conscious of her fragile state of mind, he eased himself out of the booth to stand beside her. "Why not. Some slaying might take your mind off things." He agreed at last, unable to stop the hopeful words from leaving his mouth. Angel just wanted Buffy to be okay and distracted from her personal pain, he couldn't bear the thought of making it worse.

Buffy was giving him an unsettlingly blank expression for a few moments, but she seemed to force it away with small smile. "It'll be fun. It's been a while since we fought together." The blonde pointed out, this time a more genuine, soft smile crossing her face as she looked at him a moment longer than necessary. "Try not to get your ass kicked." She teased jokingly, smirking in amusement as she turned in the direction of the doorway.

Seeing Buffy actually smile a_ true_ smile instead of looking either miserable or expressionless the whole time made Angel's heart feel lighter. _She has one of the best smiles ... I don't see it enough. _He reflected, feeling bittersweet feelings at that thought course through him. He was away from her too much and even if he wasn't, she seemed depressed far too much to him. He couldn't stand seeing Buffy go through so much pain, he just wanted her to be happy with herself and her life. He may not feel that way about _his_ life _either_ if Angel was honest with himself, but that doesn't mean she should. So seeing her like this, even if it was small and for only for a moment, made him glad.

Managing to feel his worries go at ease slightly, the vampire felt a smirk on his face. "By you or the vampires?" Angel offered wittily as he followed after her, starting to feel a little more less serious now that Buffy was acting like her normal self almost. Something she hadn't done the entire time he had been talking to her until now.

At this, the blonde slayer halted in her steps. Buffy pulled her expression into one of exaggerated thoughtfulness as she paused to respond. "How about both?" She responded as she turned her head to look at him amusement, her voice full of light-heartedness.

Angel couldn't resist increasing his smirk a little, gazing at her affectionately. _It's just ... great to see you alive again, Buffy. _He thought to himself, unable to feel a swell of happiness inside him despite the circumstances. After hearing about her death from Willow, he had seriously thought he'd never see her again. Angel had struggled with his grief and guilt that he hadn't been to stop her death as well the added guilt he continued to exist without her. That he could still be around while she was gone. Finally, thanks to Cordelia's interference, the vampire had managed to get somewhat of a grip on himself over Buffy's passing, but it had never stopped hurting the past three months. Angel had still grieved for her, he just made more of an effort to hide it. And now ... now he could see her again. It was more than the vampire had ever thought possible.

Angel still despised seeing the state her resurrection had reduced her too, in fact he had always hated watching Buffy suffer in general. But to be able to talk and joke with her. To hear her problems and comfort her. Angel had been so entirely convinced he would never be able to do those things again, but he'd had never been so glad he was wrong. Even as realized this though, a small pang of sadness struck him. Angel also knew that at some point both of them would return to their separate lives again. Though, as he followed Buffy out the door, only one thought echoed in his mind. _It doesn't matter. The only thing that does is that she's here. That's all. _The souled vampire thought sincerely, pushing his sadness away as best as he could. For now ... for now it was just the two of them. Nothing else was important.

* * *

**A/N:**** There's my first try at predicting what happened in the off-screen meeting. ;) I thought of doing something a little differently and focus more on Buffy's inner pain than big B/A passion in this first part. We can never be sure what _really_ happened, but I see Angel as the type to think more about what's wrong with her immediately than getting swept up in the moment.**

**I also think Buffy told Angel the truth about where she was when she died, but I honestly cannot picture her doing it without reservations. One of her main reasons for never telling her own friends was not only guilt but shame. Buffy couldn't live with herself like this, but she also couldn't bear having them see her suicidal and totally unraveling. I believe this also applied to Angel, but she's always been better at sharing her true feelings with him. :) And as for Angel's weird, also morbid sharing of his own recent depression ... totally see him telling her that, even if he'd be explicitly _vague_ with the details and for good reason. I sometimes wonder if Joss Whedon was deliberately paralleling Buffy's depression vs. Angel's S2 depression or he just enjoyed recycling plots, but either way ... Angel vaguely referencing his one-night stand with Darla and considering Buffy's upcoming bad choices ... a dark dose of irony right there. xD Her feelings over this will be elaborated next chapter. :)**

**Speakin' of ... Spike references. I know that by _Chosen_ Angel already knows that Spike has feelings for Buffy, helps the Scoobies, she no longer hates him, and presumably he was chipped by The Initiative. I've come to believe this meeting is how he realized most of this, though he probably knew Spike's obsession with Buffy beforehand. And yes, seeing all of Angel's warnings about Spike, Buffy's less than serious approach to them, and the complete self-destruction of the abusive Spuffy relationship soon after this throughout S6 (cultivating in the near-rape scene) is extremely hard to stomach. You just know Buffy is so entirely wrong and Angel is so entirely right about Soulless Spike, but Buffy's too blinded by gratitude, disconnection/vulnerability, and later her own feelings through their sexual relationship to see it. It's kind of sad actually, I feel bad for her. :/**

**Writing Depressed S6 Buffy is hard, but not knowing what really happened in that meeting's been bugging me so long I couldn't stand it anymore so I made a headcanon. :P I initially planned to make this a one-shot, but I figured another closing chapter wouldn't hurt to write. I try to stick to in-characterness as much as possible in my fics so I hope I did that well so far. :)**

**NEXT CHAPTER:** As the night continues, Buffy begins to recognize it is time to return to Sunnydale and her suffocating friends with it. But before that, she questions Angel about what she should do with herself and her growing sense of hopelessness. This leads to an revealing answer, and soon after that an intense, emotional goodbye ...

_**Reviews and feedback of any kind is much appreciated! :D**_


End file.
